[Magdalen] Crucible

[James Handsfield]

I had a bit of an epiphany today at church.  I’ve been seeing Lindsay Buehler for spiritual direction - actually both Marcy and I have been seeing her, sometimes together.  During this time with Marcy’s illness, I’ve felt sometimes abandoned, sometimes reassured, but most of the time abandoned.  According to Lindsay, it’s not desolation, which I was afraid it was, but it’s finding I’m in a different room of God’s house, and I need to find God there, not where I used to find God.

My epiphany this morning is that this room is a crucible, and I’m being refined.  Out of necessity caring for Marcy, I’m gradually being rid of a great deal of selfishness, and at the same time finding myself more and more open to the love of those around me, including at St. Bede’s, in my neighborhood, here in the pub, and many other places.  It’s not an easy process, and it often hurts - a lot - both in the pain of change, and perhaps even more seeing what I’d been holding on to and how it made me sometimes distant from those I love.

I’m grateful that this is a safe place to share such things.

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Thinking one can behave their way into heaven is an insult to the very foundation of salvation.

Jim Handsfield
jhandsfield at att.net