[Magdalen] essay : If I have Gay children

[Lynn Ronkainen]

I read an article in the Houston chronicle this morning about this blog post 
(below) and searched it out to read. I've cut and pasted it because it took 
so long to load the link on  my computer (possibly because there have been 
over 3,000 'comments' below it and the page is huge). Wonderful affirming 
words, and perhaps  life changing for people who can 'hear' it the way it 
was written by a loving father.

Lynn


If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2014/09/17/if-i-have-gay-children-four-promises-from-a-christian-pastorparent/


 Sometimes I wonder if I'll have gay children.

I'm not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.

Maybe it's because I have many gay people in my family and circle of 
friends. It's in my genes and in my tribe.
 Maybe it's because, as a pastor of students, I've seen and heard the horror 
stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, 
trying to be part of the Church.
 Maybe it's because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find 
homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that 
abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

For whatever reason, it's something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor 
and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids 
right now.

1) If I have gay children, you'll all know it.

My children won't be our family's best kept secret.

I won't talk around them in conversations with others. I won't speak in code 
or vague language. I won't try to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, and I 
won't try to spare the feelings of those who may be older, or easily 
offended, or uncomfortable. Childhood is difficult enough, and most gay kids 
spend their entire existence being horribly, excruciatingly uncomfortable. I'm 
not going to put mine through any more unnecessary discomfort, just to make 
Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin with misplaced anger 
issues.

If my children come out, we'll be out as a family.

2) If I have gay children, I'll pray for them.

I won't pray for them to be made "normal". I've lived long enough to know 
that if my children are gay, that is their normal.

I won't pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God 
to protect them; from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world 
will throw at them, simply because of who they are. I'll pray that He 
shields them from those who will despise them and wish them harm; who will 
curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever knowing them at 
all. I'll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, 
and forgive, and that they love God and humanity.

Above all, I'll pray to God that my children won't allow the unGodly 
treatment they might receive from some of His misguided children, to keep 
them from pursuing Him.

3) If I have gay children, I'll love them.

I don't mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm's 
length. It will be an extravagant, open-hearted, unapologetic, lavish, 
embarrassing-them-in-the-school cafeteria, kind of love.

I won't love them despite their sexuality, and I won't love them because of 
it. I will love them; simply because they're sweet, and funny, and caring, 
and smart, and kind, and stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful. 
and mine.

If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and 
about this world, but they'll never doubt for a second whether or not their 
Daddy is over-the-moon crazy about them.

4) If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.

If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.

God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they 
are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, "stitched them together in their 
mother's womb". The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely 
them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very 
cells.

Because of that, there isn't a coming deadline on their sexuality that their 
mother and I are working feverishly toward. I don't believe there's some 
magical expiration date approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow 
do, or say, or pray just the right things to get them to "turn straight", or 
forever lose them to the other side.

They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they're 
pretty darn great.


 Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this 
may be especially true if you are a religious person; one who finds the 
whole topic disgusting.

As you've been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the 
roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying 
for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a 
sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic. but with as much gentleness and 
understanding as I can muster; I really couldn't care less.

This isn't about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You're not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.
 You're not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.
 You're not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred 
intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.

You're not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, 
and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.
 You're not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up 
when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary 
soul.
 You're not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore 
more than I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you're not the one who I'll hopefully be with, when I take my last 
precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of 
shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.

If you're a parent, I don't know how you'll respond if you find out your 
children are gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you've parented, you 
may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; 
one whose sense of peace, and identity, and acceptance; whose very heart, 
may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined. and you'll need to 
respond.

If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to 
me, this is the Dad I hope I'll be to them.


* Note: The word "gay" in this post, refers to anyone who identifies 
themselves as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Questioning) . 
Though I certainly realize and respect the distinctions and differences, it 
was simply the word that would quickly and easily communicate within the 
context of the piece. It was the clearest and best way to address 
non-hetereosexual individuals in the post, by using a common term that would 
resonate with the average reader. Hopefully my heart for the LGBTQ community 
is still clear in the writing.


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When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I have not a 
single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything You gave me." 
attributed to Erma Bombeck

Thomas Merton writes, "People may spend their whole lives climbing the 
ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is 
leaning against the wrong wall."

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