[Magdalen] medical terminology

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

What happens when medical practitioners are allowed to make up their own
descriptions? The following are actual unedited notes written by doctors on
patients' medical charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like
to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she
got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen, and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“If you have a chance to accomplish something that will make things better
for people coming behind you, and you don’t do it, you're wasting your time
on this Earth.”  -- *Roberto Clemente