[Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please

[Grace Cangialosi]

Without going into the very long, sad history, I'm asking your prayers for
what will probably seem like something totally insignificant.

Periodically my son subjects me to verbal or written diatribes, sometimes
cutting me off from seeing his children, sometimes not.  They always seem
to come out of left field.  This time I had responded to an article he
forwarded to me, agreeing with much of it, which I thought would surprise
him, and thinking it might be the opening for a real conversation. Instead,
I got back a long, long attack, really hateful and verbally abusive. I read
just enough to see what was there and then deleted it. Went back later and
emptied it from the trash, so I wouldn't be tempted to read the whole thing
and spend the next three days beating myself up and wondering what I've
done wrong. (Which, of course, I've been doing anyway...)

 Anyway--sorry this is so long--I carefully wrote a response, saying I was
sorry that he had felt the need to respond that way, that I had deleted his
message without reading most of it, because I didn't need that verbal
abuse. ( I had seen that he was heading into a place I've seen
before...insisting that we are all depraved and evil at heart, but my pride
won't let me see that, even though Scripture is clear on that. There was
something to the effect that I put on this show so that people will
think I'm a good person, etc.) I stopped reading there.

 I told him it saddens me that that's so much of his theology, that Paul
really needs to be read through the lens of the Gospels and Jesus'
reflection of God as a God of love. And also that God created the world and
saw that it was good. I ended by saying that I would continue to pray that
he will find that God of love and know that he is loved by God.  And after
much consideration, I went ahead and signed it Love, Mom.

Now I see that I have a reply from him that starts out "I hope you won't
delete this before reading it...,"  but I haven't opened it yet.  I'm
tempted to just write back and say that I haven't read it yet because I'm
not ready to read it, but that I  haven't deleted it yet, either.  Maybe
that would be the way to go?

I also thought about forwarding it to my daughter without reading it and
asking her to tell me whether to read it or not, but that seems the
cowardly way to go.  She's aware of the situation, though I didn't share
the other email with her. She pretty much keeps her distance from him most
of the time. Her take is that he finds it easier to take his anger out on
me than to actually deal with the things he doesn't like about himself and
the choices he's made.  In my head I know that's probably true, and that's
what I would say to someone else in this situation, but it's hard not to
get hooked by this when it happens.

Anyway, what I need is some clarity about the "right" thing to do now.
Delete without reading? Tell him I still have it, but am not ready to read
it yet?  Just grit my teeth and read it? What I feel when I contemplate
that last alternative is fear about what I'll find...and that is, on one
level, totally ridiculous, I know. Whatever is there is already there,
whether I read it or not.  And it couldn't possibly be any worse than
things I've already had to take from him. It's not the different ideas I
have a problem with, it's the personal attacks. And I've really worked hard
over the years to keep the door open to relationships with the children.
There have been two different times when he barred me from seeing them for
several months, but then it's like he kind of forgets, and they'll invite
me to do something.  I don't know if my daughter-in-law is aware of all of
this, but I've never said anything to her. She has to do exactly what he
says, and I don't need to add to her worries.

Sorry...I really didn't mean to go on so long. But prayers for clarity
would be welcome.

Grace

-- 
Grace Cangialosi
Ruckersville, VA

Keep Calm and Carry OM.