[Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

I read this, and sat for a long time, just thinking, and then I went away
and did something else. I came back and it's still there. The PC elves did
not answer it for me.

I have been thinking of how you could discern what is in the post, etc. and
of course, nothing suggested itself.

I have found that in my counseling life, a great tool for getting through
to people is intentional helplessness.  Not needed to get the last word,
not needing to master or even understand the person, but simply to allow
them to be the master of the scene.   That did not in itself offer a
solution, but it seems to me that you have been pushed into a situation
where you strive to make a peaceful overture, and he then craps on that and
escalates to something else even more angry.  In a way he has taken your
emotions hostage.  It really does not matter what his intentions are; I
think we all agree he is not always using the best judgment, and will also
never concede that until he is on his death bed.

You keep trying to find a way to get through to him, and he keeps stopping
you, "Uh uh uh! That isn't going to work with me!"

So perhaps it is time you are honest, and at the same time, "give up."

Tell him that, based on the nasty material in his last post, you cannot
read anything else from him. Just say you have to protect yourself from his
attacks, so you just are going to leave it to him to decide when he wishes
to communicate with you. You decide not to read his posts.  However, if he
will assure you that he is not going to write nasty material, you will be
happy to read what he has to say immediately.

Very clearly label his withholding the children as essentially
hostage-taking (without any judgment or scolding, of course), because that
is how it feels to you, and so that is what it is, so far as you are
concerned. I do not think that you gain anything by tiptoeing around his
hostage-taking behavior, and it just might possibly get through to him at
some point.

If he withholds the children, well, that's what he does. He is running a
nasty little game where no matter what you say it's going to give him some
grist to take umbrage and then he withholds the kids anyway. He's going to
do it in any case.  You are trying to find the magic action that will
prevent that, and there isn't any, because he feeds off being able to use
his hostages to give you more pain.

All the ideas for having somebody else read the post etc. is just baloney.
It is just making you and your friends work and work and work, when the
reality is he doesn't give a hoot about righteousness or justice or
anything else; he just obviously wants to hurt you.  Please don't allow him
to get to you.  You can change yourself, but you can't change another who
has, for God knows what reason, has chosen the evil path.  You can do what
you can to avoid stoking the flames, and you can keep telling him your door
is always open when he wants to be civil, but the doormat days are over.
You deserve respect and courtesy, and when he is willing to treat you in a
socially acceptable manner, you're more than willing to listen.

And somewhere in there at some point, you can tell him that you try to see
his point of view, but he refuses to accord you the same courtesy, and
without some consideration and respect, there can be no relationship. You
have tried, but until he decides he WANTS a relationship, you give up.

It seems to me that he is feeding off your repeated attempts to be
conciliatory, and I don't think you should stop that, but you also lose
nothing by not putting your cards on the table and calling him out.

You have had the assumption that you never ever give up, and he seems to
know that and is using it against you.  So maybe it's time to give up.  I
have read of people who experienced a turn-around when they gave up and
laid the whole thing on God.

I hope this gives you some useful ideas.

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy

On Wed, Jul 29, 2015 at 3:41 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
wrote:

> Without going into the very long, sad history, I'm asking your prayers for
> what will probably seem like something totally insignificant.
>
> Periodically my son subjects me to verbal or written diatribes, sometimes
> cutting me off from seeing his children, sometimes not.  They always seem
> to come out of left field.  This time I had responded to an article he
> forwarded to me, agreeing with much of it, which I thought would surprise
> him, and thinking it might be the opening for a real conversation. Instead,
> I got back a long, long attack, really hateful and verbally abusive. I read
> just enough to see what was there and then deleted it. Went back later and
> emptied it from the trash, so I wouldn't be tempted to read the whole thing
> and spend the next three days beating myself up and wondering what I've
> done wrong. (Which, of course, I've been doing anyway...)
>
>  Anyway--sorry this is so long--I carefully wrote a response, saying I was
> sorry that he had felt the need to respond that way, that I had deleted his
> message without reading most of it, because I didn't need that verbal
> abuse. ( I had seen that he was heading into a place I've seen
> before...insisting that we are all depraved and evil at heart, but my pride
> won't let me see that, even though Scripture is clear on that. There was
> something to the effect that I put on this show so that people will
> think I'm a good person, etc.) I stopped reading there.
>
>  I told him it saddens me that that's so much of his theology, that Paul
> really needs to be read through the lens of the Gospels and Jesus'
> reflection of God as a God of love. And also that God created the world and
> saw that it was good. I ended by saying that I would continue to pray that
> he will find that God of love and know that he is loved by God.  And after
> much consideration, I went ahead and signed it Love, Mom.
>
> Now I see that I have a reply from him that starts out "I hope you won't
> delete this before reading it...,"  but I haven't opened it yet.  I'm
> tempted to just write back and say that I haven't read it yet because I'm
> not ready to read it, but that I  haven't deleted it yet, either.  Maybe
> that would be the way to go?
>
> I also thought about forwarding it to my daughter without reading it and
> asking her to tell me whether to read it or not, but that seems the
> cowardly way to go.  She's aware of the situation, though I didn't share
> the other email with her. She pretty much keeps her distance from him most
> of the time. Her take is that he finds it easier to take his anger out on
> me than to actually deal with the things he doesn't like about himself and
> the choices he's made.  In my head I know that's probably true, and that's
> what I would say to someone else in this situation, but it's hard not to
> get hooked by this when it happens.
>
> Anyway, what I need is some clarity about the "right" thing to do now.
> Delete without reading? Tell him I still have it, but am not ready to read
> it yet?  Just grit my teeth and read it? What I feel when I contemplate
> that last alternative is fear about what I'll find...and that is, on one
> level, totally ridiculous, I know. Whatever is there is already there,
> whether I read it or not.  And it couldn't possibly be any worse than
> things I've already had to take from him. It's not the different ideas I
> have a problem with, it's the personal attacks. And I've really worked hard
> over the years to keep the door open to relationships with the children.
> There have been two different times when he barred me from seeing them for
> several months, but then it's like he kind of forgets, and they'll invite
> me to do something.  I don't know if my daughter-in-law is aware of all of
> this, but I've never said anything to her. She has to do exactly what he
> says, and I don't need to add to her worries.
>
> Sorry...I really didn't mean to go on so long. But prayers for clarity
> would be welcome.
>
> Grace
>
> --
> Grace Cangialosi
> Ruckersville, VA
>
> Keep Calm and Carry OM.
>