[Magdalen] Speaking of money

[Lynn Ronkainen]

MONEY is hard.

I'll bet that many couples have different attitudes, issues and complexities 
about money, budgeting, 'sharing', mine, yours etc.

In my marriage we had: his, mine and ours. I was a stay at home mom for 25 
years, with several part time jobs throughout that time and finally a 
business (albeit with small income).  My then husband and I approached 
budgeting with similar goals and expectations of: the budget, setting up the 
budget and our individual responsibilities to it and discussion if necessary 
if expectations were broken or had to be revised.

IMO when one person brings in no money (and I can speak from years of my 
personal experience), the money earner is in the drivers seat, IMO. In a 
healthy relationship, the 'driver' provides an allowance (can take many 
forms) to the partner/wife etc.  The amount of this allowance may or may not 
be mutually agreed upon, but it should also be completely up to the receiver 
of the allowance to spend their money any way they choose, including the 
possible already agreed upon needs they have in addition to some extra 'just 
because'.  Careless spending, running out of money etc are no reason to 
adjust the amount or accommodate an inability to manage one's 'allowance'. 
Individual personal credit cards are discouraged for those getting the 
allowance as overspending is more easily avoided (especially if this is 
already an issue), and overspending may likely become the responsibility of 
the wage earner.  Trial runs can be made - but the ultimate 'responsibility' 
of the debt, if any should rest with the credit card 'owner'. Joint credit 
cards can be a bit dicey if the non-earner is not disciplined or of like 
mind about what can be charged. If 'rules' for both parties are laid down 
for the joint card, it is important to follow the rules and make adjustments 
if they are not followed, including not allowing use of the joint card. (I 
also speak of experience here with a family member who had a credit problem, 
a lying problem and often opened credit cards in the name of their spouse, 
unknown to them... thousands of dollars of debt and over a decade later that 
issue is still active - the debt, not the relationship). Money issues have 
to be talked about, planned around and followed through by at least one 
person in a paired situation where there is only one wage earner, or chaos, 
disagreement and anger will ensue.

Money issues can be hard. It is the number one problem in relationships, I'm 
told. Bigger than infidelity or child raising. It is not always easy to 
create a plan, but without a plan, a difficult situation will go from bad to 
worse. A difficult situation caused by a plan will still create order that 
will eventually make for a better situation, if not a great situation. IMO, 
of course.

When a non earner is part of a pair, this does not necessarily mean that the 
wage earner makes all the spending decisions, but I do think, in a healthy, 
respectful relationship the wage earner has the larger role.

It can be challenging to maintain this slippery slope but it can be done and 
ultimately the roles become more comfortable then they were at the start. I 
think the allowance, regardless of how 'dated' that might seem is an 
important element. That way the recipient of the allowance is given free 
control over their money and it IS clear to all if they are capable of 
managing it. If not, their loss.  This lack of management then becomes a 
detail of the bigger conversation, and a goal to work for.  Even in a dual 
income pair, there needs to be a 'plan' or chaos will occur, and/or the 
relationship will become strained.

At the age of almost 63 I must say that it took me over 55 years to figure 
out that others are not responsible for my feelings.  I am able to make this 
statement only because of much hard work on myself and with others who have 
similar challenges. Nor am I responsible for the feelings of others, if I am 
striving to be a loving person, spouse, parent, friend.... this is also 
wrapped up in many relational issues such as in 
marriages/partnerships/friendships - I am doing my best.

Scott, I hope that you and STY can work out a plan for your household, 
knowing that it can only, always only meet some needs and may not ever meet 
everyone's needs or level of happiness/satisfaction.

peace
Lynn

website: www.ichthysdesigns.com

When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I have not a 
single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything You gave me." 
attributed to Erma Bombeck
 "Either Freedom for all or stop talking about Freedom at all" from a talk 
by Richard Rohr

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Scott Knitter" <scottknitter at gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2015 8:17 AM
To: "Magdalen at herberthouse.org" <magdalen at herberthouse.org>
Subject: Re: [Magdalen] Speaking of money

> On Wed, Sep 2, 2015 at 8:00 AM, Jay Weigel <jay.weigel at gmail.com> wrote:
>> We have separate accounts. I pay the monthly cell phone bill and he pays
>> other utilities. In addition, I give him a set, agreed-on amount on the
>> first of the month to help with other expenses (he knows how much I 
>> receive
>> from SS and the late ex's pension). Works for us.
>
> I may just lay out a typical recent month to show what comes in and
> what went out. Keeping it in categories rather than all the details
> behind them may help. And I'll need to go through it with him. I'd be
> fine with someone just handing me the info and I would peruse it and
> get a lot out of it, but he doesn't. I see it as just facts and
> realities, but he attaches a lot of emotion to monetary info.
>
> Dividing up the bills would be great if we each had an income. I
> remember that...it's how we could afford to live downtown. We're still
> not paying what we paid for the downtown place, even after 10+ years
> of rent increases up here on the far north side.
>
>
> -- 
> Scott R. Knitter
> Edgewater, Chicago, Illinois USA