[Magdalen] New prayer request, and apology.

[M J _Mike_ Logsdon]

I know not to apologise, but I can't help it.  I got a call from Stanford dermatology this afternoon telling me Dr Kim, Stanford lymphoma honcho (honcha? she's a she) needs a bigger, meatier biopsy from my feet.  Such that it will involve the dermatology surgery people and not just in the exam room "hold still, this'll be over soon" sort of thing I already hardly could take.  I was told they will numb me more, but I'll "still feel the pressure".  (I hate the word "pressure", because when the brain knows what the "pressure" means, it ain't pressure anymore; it's carnage.)  I plan on telling them soon when they call back to confirm what day (another issue entirely; I live 1.5 hours away, and work), that I REQUIRE TO BE KNOCKED OUT, so bring along a knock-er-out-er.  They will no doubt balk, but I will point out that many tooth extractions in the world (one of mine included) involve being knocked out, wake up later, and go home no sweat.  I COULD HARDLY tolerate what happened to me two weeks ago.  Even if I have to pay out of my own goddamned pocket, I will.  KNOCKED OUT.  I wonder what sort of response I'll get.

The goal is still to determine if I have one, or two, types of lymphoma, or only one and still only vasculitis down below.  And in the meantime I noted today that I needed to truly clean my wounds and apply antibiotic ointment, as things were starting to smell again.  Please, God, let me maintain till Stanford next week.

And, on top of all that, I learn today that, not that I'll be losing my job, but that because I'm literally half of a very important unit, only my boss is there most of the time, I'll most likely be re-assigned within the Agency.  Not a problem, but my sense of "entitlement" to how well I do my job, is, as far as I'm concerned, already undermined by the simple fact that I can't be there every day.  And being sick on top of all that.  I'm meeting with my division chief tomorrow morning to discuss short-term disability, as I really don't see myself in the coming weeks being of much use to the Agency.  It's just new territory for me, so I'm scared.  But my division chief, and another friend who knows this issue rather well, will help me through.  My issue, and I said this to my supervisor twice today, is "I'm a single-income household [-- she a two-income household, and higher-paid than me, in both instances --], so this isn't a decision I can take lightly."

I'm so so so fucking sad and self-loathing right now, for having not taken care of myself to avoid this.  If someone was to come up to me and point a gun at my head, I really think I'd say "Shoot."