[Magdalen] New prayer request, and apology.

[Jay Weigel]

Knotting another strand in the hammock. It's been holding me up for the
past month.

On Fri, Jan 29, 2016 at 12:22 PM, Marion Thompson <marionwhitevale at gmail.com
> wrote:

> The darkest hour is just before dawn, literally and figuratively. The
> prayer wheel is turning in my place along the golden hammock.
>
> Marion, a pilgrim
>
>
> On 1/28/2016 11:33 PM, M J _Mike_ Logsdon wrote:
>
>> I know not to apologise, but I can't help it.  I got a call from Stanford
>> dermatology this afternoon telling me Dr Kim, Stanford lymphoma honcho
>> (honcha? she's a she) needs a bigger, meatier biopsy from my feet.  Such
>> that it will involve the dermatology surgery people and not just in the
>> exam room "hold still, this'll be over soon" sort of thing I already hardly
>> could take.  I was told they will numb me more, but I'll "still feel the
>> pressure".  (I hate the word "pressure", because when the brain knows what
>> the "pressure" means, it ain't pressure anymore; it's carnage.)  I plan on
>> telling them soon when they call back to confirm what day (another issue
>> entirely; I live 1.5 hours away, and work), that I REQUIRE TO BE KNOCKED
>> OUT, so bring along a knock-er-out-er.  They will no doubt balk, but I will
>> point out that many tooth extractions in the world (one of mine included)
>> involve being knocked out, wake up later, and go home no sweat.  I COULD
>> HARDLY tolerate what happened to me two weeks ago.  Even if I have to pay
>> out of my own goddamned pocket, I will.  KNOCKED OUT.  I wonder what sort
>> of response I'll get.
>>
>> The goal is still to determine if I have one, or two, types of lymphoma,
>> or only one and still only vasculitis down below.  And in the meantime I
>> noted today that I needed to truly clean my wounds and apply antibiotic
>> ointment, as things were starting to smell again.  Please, God, let me
>> maintain till Stanford next week.
>>
>> And, on top of all that, I learn today that, not that I'll be losing my
>> job, but that because I'm literally half of a very important unit, only my
>> boss is there most of the time, I'll most likely be re-assigned within the
>> Agency.  Not a problem, but my sense of "entitlement" to how well I do my
>> job, is, as far as I'm concerned, already undermined by the simple fact
>> that I can't be there every day.  And being sick on top of all that.  I'm
>> meeting with my division chief tomorrow morning to discuss short-term
>> disability, as I really don't see myself in the coming weeks being of much
>> use to the Agency.  It's just new territory for me, so I'm scared.  But my
>> division chief, and another friend who knows this issue rather well, will
>> help me through.  My issue, and I said this to my supervisor twice today,
>> is "I'm a single-income household [-- she a two-income household, and
>> higher-paid than me, in both instances --], so this isn't a decision I can
>> take lightly."
>>
>> I'm so so so fucking sad and self-loathing right now, for having not
>> taken care of myself to avoid this.  If someone was to come up to me and
>> point a gun at my head, I really think I'd say "Shoot."
>>
>>
>
>