[Magdalen] Fwd: Some smiles

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

The good ones just keep on going!

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy

On Mon, Sep 19, 2016 at 5:20 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
wrote:

> These have been around, but they still make me laugh out loud!
>
>
> Begin forwarded message:
> >>
> >>> TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
> >>> How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
> >>>
> >>> These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by
> court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges
> were taking place.
> >>>
> >>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> morning?
> >>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> >>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> >>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> >>> _______________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> >>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >>> ____________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> >>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> >>> ____________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> >>> WITNESS: July 18th.
> >>> ATTORNEY: What year?
> >>> WITNESS: Every year.
> >>> _____________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> >>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> >>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> >>> _________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> >>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> >>> WITNESS: I forget..
> >>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> forgot?
> >>> ___________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >>> ____________________________________
> >>>
> >>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> >>> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
> >>> ___________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> >>> _________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> >>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> >>> WITNESS: Getting laid
> >>> ____________________________________________
> >>>
> >>> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> >>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> >>> WITNESS: None.
> >>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> >>> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
> new attorney?
> >>> ____________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> >>> WITNESS: By death..
> >>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> >>> ___________________________________________
> >>>
> >>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> >>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> >>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> >>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> >>> _____________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >>> ______________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> dead people?
> >>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> >>> _________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
> to?
> >>> WITNESS: Oral...
> >>> _________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> >>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> >>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> >>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> >>> ____________________________________________
> >>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >>> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> >>>
> >>> ______________________________________
> >>> And last:
> >>>
> >>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
> a pulse?
> >>> WITNESS: No.
> >>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> >>> WITNESS: No.
> >>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> >>> WITNESS: No..
> >>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> >>> WITNESS: No.
> >>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> >>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.
> >>
> >>
>