[Magdalen] Transformations

[Lynn Ronkainen]

Thank you Jim for sharing this very meaningful part of your life with us. 
What a blessing for you and from you. May the future continue to unfold  in 
each moment.

peace and love
Lynn

website: www.ichthysdesigns.com

When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I have not a 
single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything You gave me." 
attributed to Erma Bombeck
"Either Freedom for all or stop talking about Freedom at all" from a talk by 
Richard Rohr
"The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they 
oppress." F Douglass

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From: "James Handsfield" <jhandsfield at att.net>
Sent: Friday, April 21, 2017 12:13 PM
To: "Magdalen" <magdalen at herberthouse.org>
Subject: [Magdalen] Transformations

> Dear friends,
>
> It’s time, I think, to share something with you about myself.  Maybe you 
> can consider it a new addendum to my bio.
>
> I have been seeing my life over the past three or so years as a time of 
> newness.  The newness of Marcy’s ALS, the newness of each time Marcy 
> needed help for another activity, the newness of my learning to be a 
> caregiver, the newness of my acknowledgment of my alcoholism, the newness 
> brought by Marcy’s death, the newness of my grief, the newness of turning 
> 70 last October, the newness of learning again to live in greater 
> solitude, my reaffirmation by +Rob Wright.  In late January, something 
> finally came to me that I’ve known intellectually for year - when I think 
> or talk of God, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.  That’s 
> a good thing, because if I understood God, it would be a god of my own 
> intellect and imagination; if I can imagine god, I can control that god.
>
> With the guidance of my spiritual director, I went on silent, directed 
> retreat in Holy Week (three nights - Monday - Wednesday) at Green Bough 
> House of Prayer near Dublin, GA.  It was a time like none other in my 
> life.
>
> I’ve never found the Labyrinth to be a useful tool in my spirituality 
> until this retreat.  When I first met with Fay, the spiritual director of 
> Green Bough, on Tuesday morning, I really unloaded a virtual shotgun of 
> questions and wonderings.  We talked of Marcy’s death.  I also told her 
> that I’ve loved three women in my life:  Lynn, Linda, and Marcy.  I 
> married Marcy, as you know.
>
> Lynn was my beloved in my first year in college at the American College of 
> Switzerland.  We were, obviously, quite young, but I loved her dearly and 
> she loved me.  She became ill toward the end of the second semester and 
> went home for treatment.  I saw her once again in July in DC for my 
> brother’s wedding to his first wife.  After that, we lost contact.  Losing 
> contact is my doing - I was simply to lazy and, perhaps, immature to keep 
> in touch.  Thirty years later (about), she located me through an internet 
> search and called me.  She told me many things:  that her father told her 
> that I’d been drafted into the Army and killed in Vietnam (I suppose he 
> was just trying to protect her);  and she told me she miscarried my child. 
> I discovered that there was a hole in my heart I was unaware of.  She 
> wanted to name the child after me, but didn’t know the fetus’ sex.  I 
> suggested Jamie as it could be used for either boy or girl.  Jamie would 
> be in her (for some reason I sense she’s female) early 50s.
>
> Five years later when I’d gone back to school at San Diego State 
> University, I met Linda.  We also fell in love.  We were together two 
> years, and along the way, she told me she was pregnant.  Through my mother’s 
> influence, Linda aborted the pregnancy - twin boys.
>
> Marcy never knew about Lynn or Linda (she knew Lynn was a college 
> girlfriend but nothing more), and she never knew about the children.  Fay 
> suggested that I write to Marcy (something my sponsor had already 
> suggested) and tell her everything, which I did.  I read her that letter 
> on Holy Saturday between the Good Friday liturgy and the Easter Vigil. 
> Fay also suggested I name the boys, and after a little thought, I named 
> them Ellis and Hugh after Linda’s and my father respectively.  Ellis and 
> Hugh would be in their mid to late 40s.  After writing to Marcy, I spoke 
> with the three children (now adults) and finally felt the full grief of 
> what I had done.  By the way, I think my over dependence on my mother was 
> probably the reason Linda and I separated.  I know nothing of Linda’s 
> whereabouts; I’m in FB contact with Lynn and her daughter.
>
> In the middle of doing that, I approached the Labyrinth with an intent 
> that walking it would be a sacramental of the pilgrimage of Discovery that 
> is the rest of my life.  I took several photos with my iPhone that has 
> become my journal of it.  I took a picture of everything that caught my 
> eye - most of it quite plain, but lovely.  The Labyrinth at Green Bough is 
> a path cleared in the natural vegetation of that part of Georgia.  It’s a 
> living Labyrinth.  As I walked in, I felt closer and closer to all of 
> Creation from the smallest subatomic particle (Higg’s boson?) to the 
> farthest reaches of the galaxy and whatever science may discover in the 
> future.  All of this is really distilled down from the newness of my life. 
> When I reached the center, I rested on the chair, and came to realize 
> that, in the pilgrimage that is the rest of my life, I desire to give my 
> self completely to God - to empty myself back to God.  I know, of course, 
> that I will do so imperfectly if I’ll be able to do that at all.
>
> It was clear to me that all of Creation is of the Cosmic Christ; that God 
> has so completely emptied God’s own Self into it that when I try to see 
> God, there’s nothing left, and that God continues giving God’s self 
> through eternity.  And I came to understand that I’m a part of it.  The 
> part of God that is in me enables me to see and recognize all of this, and 
> enables me to desire and love all of it.  The love that is God in me 
> enables my love for all of you.  And I find myself smack in the middle of 
> this Trinity, fully a part of it.  Even when I die, my mortal self will 
> decay and return to the elements and I will continue as part of Creation 
> forever.  I also decided to deal with an inkling that has been rattling 
> around for quite some time that I may have the charisms for ordained 
> ministry.  I realized that contemplating it on my own would never provide 
> an answer, so I determined to offer my self to the Church for discernment. 
> I have no idea how that will turn out, but however it turns out, I will 
> learn something of myself.  The only urgency is that I’m 70 years old, but 
> I’m at peace about it.
>
> When I met with Fay that afternoon, she rejoiced in my discovery.  She 
> gave me a verse of Scripture that has become a mantra to me:  Luke 12:32 - 
> “It is God’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”  As I repeat it, I 
> stress different words:  It is GOD’s good pleasure . . . ; It is God’s 
> GOOD pleasure. . . ;  It is God’s good PLEASURE . . . ; etc.  As I repeat 
> that I find myself internally falling to my knees (I’d do it actually, but 
> I’m not sure I’d be able to get up again).  Sometimes I replace ‘you’ with 
> ‘me’.
>
> As I said, the retreat was silent, but we broke silence after dinner that 
> day and had some time so socialize with the staff and other retreatants. 
> What a joy to get to know them a little.
>
> Thursday before I left, I walked the Labyrinth one more time.  This time, 
> while praying in the center, I found my answer to Everything:  Amen.  To 
> fully accept everything that is a part of Creation and the Giving and the 
> Loving.  Good and bad, it’s all a part of Creation.  That doesn’t mean we 
> can’t do something about it, but even the most evil has to be accepted as 
> a distortion of God’s will for Creation, usually by our human desire for 
> things over relationships.
>
> So I returned home changed, I hope for the better.  Maundy Thursday 
> liturgy had a newness about it with my thought that God is in everything 
> in Creation, so the ritual of the Eucharist is, in a way, the recognition 
> of what already exists.  And the Good Friday liturgy became a liturgy of 
> Completeness - the Completeness of Jesus human life, the Completeness of 
> salvation, the Completeness that Creation continues.  I think I also 
> realized at that liturgy that my retreat had started my learning how to 
> die.  I don’t mean that in any morbid sense and I’m not going to rush the 
> issue.  But when I die, it will be the completeness of my mortal life, and 
> my body will decay and return to the elements of the earth and remain a 
> part of Creation.  I don’t know if I will retain sentience, but that’s by 
> business.
>
> On Saturday, when I read my letter to Marcy and offered my amends to her, 
> I understood that she is now in Love, along with Jamie, Ellis, and Hugh. 
> My grief has been transformed.  I still miss Marcy and the children, but 
> they know I love them all, and I know they love me.
>
> Easter Vigil was a reminder that God’s self emptying persists in all 
> Creation and in all humanity.  We are not on the outside looking in to the 
> Trinity.  We are smack in the middle of the Trinity, surrounded by God’s 
> Self giving; through, with, and in the Christ that is all Creation, and 
> with the flame burning inside that is the Holy Spirit.
>
> I met with Chad on Wednesday, and we started the conversation of 
> discernment.  I told him about all the above.  A few weeks ago, he asked 
> if I was ready to resume a more active role in the life of St. Bede’s and 
> I said yes.  I told him again on Wednesday that I meant it.  So now I will 
> rejoin the rotation of lectors and Eucharistic minister, Tomorrow I’m 
> going to help turn over the vegetable gardens at St. Bede’s that will 
> provide produce for the NET Pantry, I will try to march for science as 
> part of Earth Day tomorrow as well.
>
> If you’ve lasted this long, thank you for reading.  I am a man at Peace 
> and excitedly looking forward to wherever this pilgrimage that is the rest 
> of my life will take me.
>
>
> Alleluia!  Christ is risen!
>
> James Handsfield
> jhandsfield at att.net
>