[Magdalen] Darwin Awards

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado,
here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran",
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when the
sides collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also
drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases
in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's
foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderbor, Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES
FROM THE GENE POOL.


James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy