[Magdalen] Ethical question

[Molly Wolf]

Marion, I had an ex who was an emotional coward too.  When one of his oldest friends, our older son's godfather, was dying of cancer, the friend asked my ex to visit.  Ex couldn't cope.  Didn't visit.  Friend died.

Ex is now having to cope with my cancer, which frightens him more than it does me.  Difference is that I know that my ex is about as useful as tits on a male ostrich, so it's okay.  I hadn't expected my now ex-friend to vanish like this, so I do feel some anger and disappointment.  I can understand and forgive, but there are consequences.

The tchotchkes are going to the local Sally Ann, along with other things superfluous to requirements.

Molly

The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -- Mark Twain

> On Jan 19, 2017, at 7:37 AM, Marion Thompson <marionwhitevale at gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> My ex- long ago had a close friend in his University dept.  They drank together, played golf, swam daily, etc., etc..  Friend developed brain tumour, was operated on, but emerged very much diminished, unable to live independently.  My ex- couldn't cope with the different person his friend now was and despite being asked by the wife to, say, accompany him on beneficial swims, couldn't bring himself to do anything hepful at all.  Couldn't cope.  Hmmm.
> 
> What did Shakespeare say?  "Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds."
> 
> Marion, a pilgrim
> 
> 
>> On 1/18/2017 9:54 PM, AT&T wrote:
>> If the prezzies are gifts, then they are yours to do with as you wish.
>> 
>> Jim Handsfield
>> Sent from my iPhone
>> 
>>> On Jan 18, 2017, at 9:37 PM, Molly Wolf <lupa at kos.net> wrote:
>>> 
>>> Opinions solicited.
>>> 
>>> I have just put an end to what I thought had been a close friendship because the "friend" in question made it clear that she would offer no support to me during my bout with cancer but wanted to resume the friendship, unchanged, when I recovered.  I think she has a "thing" about being overwhelmed. I've tried to patch this up several times, but she has a way of doggedly sidestepping.  She has made no offer to help and has not called to ask how I'm doing.  Nada.
>>> 
>>> So on Sunday, after one last unsatisfactory exchange, I texted her asking her not to contact me again, and she responded with a cheery note making social noises and saying "I didn't read your note so that we can still do tea".  "Do tea" means that she comes over to my house bringing little prezzies of cute things or treats to eat, like the cat bringing me a mouse, and I make tea.
>>> 
>>> This reaction finally blew my gasket and I told her in no uncertain terms to bug off and leave me alone.  I also did the unfriending/blocking thing.  She could, of course, email me, but she hasn't.
>>> 
>>> Now for the ethical question:  I want to declutter, including getting rid of the prezzies.  I would prefer to return them to her, but would that be the right thing to do?
>>> 
>>> When my GP and I first talked about my cancer, she asked after my support network and I named this friend as my mainstay.  I can understand and forgive, but it may take me a while to stop being gnarly.
>>> 
>>> Thanks!
>>> Molly
>>> 
>>> The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -- Mark Twain
>> .
>> 
>