[Magdalen] Major athletic scandal

[James Oppenheimer]

CHAPEL HILL (The Borowitz Report) — An organization of University of North
Carolina athletic boosters expressed shock and outrage today over a report
that a few members of U.N.C. sports teams may have taken real classes,
despite the widespread availability of fake ones.

The report, which alleges that several players may have fulfilled the
curriculum requirements of actual classes, sent shock waves through the
U.N.C. booster community.

“These players apparently attended classes, wrote papers, and took exams,”
Hal Cowlington, the president of a prominent U.N.C. booster club, said.
“The impact of these distractions on their athletic performance is, to put
it mildly, incalculable.”

A spokesman for the university was quick to say that the cases of athletes
taking real classes appeared to be “isolated incidents,” but promised that
U.N.C. would press forward with a full investigation of the matter.

“As a university, it is our sacred duty to protect our athletes from
education,” the university spokesman said. “We can—and we must—do better.”

James W. Oppenheimer
*“If you have a chance to accomplish something that will make things better
for people coming behind you, and you don’t do it, you're wasting your time
on this Earth.”  -- *Roberto Clemente