[Magdalen] I'm confused

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

I suspect that it would be extremely effective if you met with the person
and gently asked if you could ask her for guidance how you can best
minister to them. I would imagine that the person might be relieved to have
someone to talk to about it in any case, especially if you communicate that
you are a person who genuinely wants to know some things to anticipate and
avoid and be able to help others as well.

Your story about Christine reminds me of the story of the Larry-Bill-Timm
Fund at a former parish of mine. They discovered that a lot of people dying
of AIDS had not told their families, and when the families came when their
child was dying, they were horrified to learn that this person was now gay.
Once they figured out what was going on, they often simply cleaned out the
person's bank account and went back west, never to return. This left the
dying person destitute if they weren't already.  Some folks set up a fund
for meeting the emergency needs of people with AIDS. At that time, there
was essentially nothing for these folks. The gummint was doing its best to
ignore the whole thing.

I feel for the children and I feel for the parents.  They were completely
unprepared.  There just seems to be a movement to make it as difficult as
possible for unusual people to JUST BE THEMSELVES.

We can do a lot if we say, "I don't know what to say, but I want you to
know that I want to support you and not say or do things that might harm."

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy

On Mon, May 30, 2016 at 7:55 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
wrote:

> I need a little help here, and I feel foolish for having to ask, but I do.
> It relates to the terminology for transgender people. I've been wondering
> about it for awhile, and then this morning I met the trans neighbor of a
> 92-year-old parishioner who had just passed away and found myself feeling
> totally confused. Mind you, I didn't express that, but it's been on my mind
> all day. And she will be coming to the funeral on Saturday, so I will be
> meeting her again, as will all those in attendance. And knowing this
> congregation, I anticipate that there will be comments and questions put to
> me after the funeral is over, probably on Sunday.
>
> What I don't know is which way the term "trans" is applied.  If a person
> was born biologically male and is now living as a female, with or without
> surgery, is she considered a trans woman or a trans man? Same question for
> the reverse situation. This woman introduced herself with a woman's name,
> and I took that at face value, but I experienced some cognitive dissonance
> because of her appearance, which was decidedly masculine, as was her voice.
> And she had shaved. But she had breasts...  Obviously this isn't important
> in deciding how I'm going to relate to her, but my discomfort about whether
> I might do or say the wrong thing  let me know that I need to get a handle
> on this. I'm sure that, just as gays and lesbians have come out and taken
> their places in society in a way that causes scarcely a second look, the
> same will be true for trans men and women.  But that isn't the case yet, at
> least not for me.
>
> Finding myself in this confusion is a bit ironic, because the last patient
> I had as a volunteer Hospice chaplain at least 20 years ago was a woman
> with AIDS, and she was transgender, though I didn't realize it for a long
> time. She had had the reassignment surgery in the 70s and had worked as a
> platform model in New York. In addition to AIDS, she had scleroderma from
> the breast implants and was part of the class action suit against Dow
> Chemical. I never had the slightest bit of discomfort with her and grew
> very fond of her as our visits continued.
>
> As I visited her weekly, I learned her whole story, and as she became
> sicker, I met her parents who lived in West Virginia. The tragedy in the
> situation was that they were very strict Pentecostals and had no idea how
> to deal with the fact that their child, born Jimmy, was now a grown woman
> named Christine. Her mother asked me point-blank if she was going to go to
> Hell. I assured her that I did not believe she would.
> When she died, I did her funeral and burial as she had requested, and then
> the family requested that I have no further contact with them.
>
> So anyway, back to the original question of which way the term "trans" is
> applied.
> Thanks,
> Grace