[Magdalen] I'm confused

[Grace Cangialosi]

Thanks, Jim. That will be good to keep in mind if/when I am with her again.

> On May 30, 2016, at 8:37 PM, James Oppenheimer-Crawford <oppenheimerjw at gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> I suspect that it would be extremely effective if you met with the person
> and gently asked if you could ask her for guidance how you can best
> minister to them. I would imagine that the person might be relieved to have
> someone to talk to about it in any case, especially if you communicate that
> you are a person who genuinely wants to know some things to anticipate and
> avoid and be able to help others as well.
> 
> Your story about Christine reminds me of the story of the Larry-Bill-Timm
> Fund at a former parish of mine. They discovered that a lot of people dying
> of AIDS had not told their families, and when the families came when their
> child was dying, they were horrified to learn that this person was now gay.
> Once they figured out what was going on, they often simply cleaned out the
> person's bank account and went back west, never to return. This left the
> dying person destitute if they weren't already.  Some folks set up a fund
> for meeting the emergency needs of people with AIDS. At that time, there
> was essentially nothing for these folks. The gummint was doing its best to
> ignore the whole thing.
> 
> I feel for the children and I feel for the parents.  They were completely
> unprepared.  There just seems to be a movement to make it as difficult as
> possible for unusual people to JUST BE THEMSELVES.
> 
> We can do a lot if we say, "I don't know what to say, but I want you to
> know that I want to support you and not say or do things that might harm."
> 
> James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
> *“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
> except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy
> 
> On Mon, May 30, 2016 at 7:55 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> 
>> I need a little help here, and I feel foolish for having to ask, but I do.
>> It relates to the terminology for transgender people. I've been wondering
>> about it for awhile, and then this morning I met the trans neighbor of a
>> 92-year-old parishioner who had just passed away and found myself feeling
>> totally confused. Mind you, I didn't express that, but it's been on my mind
>> all day. And she will be coming to the funeral on Saturday, so I will be
>> meeting her again, as will all those in attendance. And knowing this
>> congregation, I anticipate that there will be comments and questions put to
>> me after the funeral is over, probably on Sunday.
>> 
>> What I don't know is which way the term "trans" is applied.  If a person
>> was born biologically male and is now living as a female, with or without
>> surgery, is she considered a trans woman or a trans man? Same question for
>> the reverse situation. This woman introduced herself with a woman's name,
>> and I took that at face value, but I experienced some cognitive dissonance
>> because of her appearance, which was decidedly masculine, as was her voice.
>> And she had shaved. But she had breasts...  Obviously this isn't important
>> in deciding how I'm going to relate to her, but my discomfort about whether
>> I might do or say the wrong thing  let me know that I need to get a handle
>> on this. I'm sure that, just as gays and lesbians have come out and taken
>> their places in society in a way that causes scarcely a second look, the
>> same will be true for trans men and women.  But that isn't the case yet, at
>> least not for me.
>> 
>> Finding myself in this confusion is a bit ironic, because the last patient
>> I had as a volunteer Hospice chaplain at least 20 years ago was a woman
>> with AIDS, and she was transgender, though I didn't realize it for a long
>> time. She had had the reassignment surgery in the 70s and had worked as a
>> platform model in New York. In addition to AIDS, she had scleroderma from
>> the breast implants and was part of the class action suit against Dow
>> Chemical. I never had the slightest bit of discomfort with her and grew
>> very fond of her as our visits continued.
>> 
>> As I visited her weekly, I learned her whole story, and as she became
>> sicker, I met her parents who lived in West Virginia. The tragedy in the
>> situation was that they were very strict Pentecostals and had no idea how
>> to deal with the fact that their child, born Jimmy, was now a grown woman
>> named Christine. Her mother asked me point-blank if she was going to go to
>> Hell. I assured her that I did not believe she would.
>> When she died, I did her funeral and burial as she had requested, and then
>> the family requested that I have no further contact with them.
>> 
>> So anyway, back to the original question of which way the term "trans" is
>> applied.
>> Thanks,
>> Grace