[Magdalen] For those with a sense of humour

[Roger Stokes]

Culled from a Newsletter I received today

MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TO THE CITIZENS OF THE USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign 
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President 
of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your 
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties 
over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America 
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be 
circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will 
be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to 
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises 
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form 
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let 
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be 
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the 
elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, 
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and 
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns 
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out 
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready 
to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything 
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be 
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will 
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, 
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of 
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you 
understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been 
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to 
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are 
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be 
due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see 
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen 
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as 
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to 
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English 
dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having 
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of 
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in 
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds 
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to 
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played 
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world 
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn 
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the 
sting out of their deliveries.

12. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all 
monies due (backdated to 1776).

14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with 
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; 
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: 
Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Roger