[Magdalen] For those with a sense of humour

[Sally Davies]

I will gladly send you a map. As HM says beer is good here

Sally D

On Saturday, 12 November 2016, Jay Weigel <jay.weigel at gmail.com> wrote:

> Me too, Grace! In fact, I'm ready to move to a Commonwealth country that
> will have me, providing it's a warm one.
>
> On Fri, Nov 11, 2016 at 6:42 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com
> <javascript:;>>
> wrote:
>
> > I've seen this a couple of times, and this time I'm ready to take her up
> > on it!
> >
> > > On Nov 11, 2016, at 6:28 PM, Roger Stokes <
> roger.stokes65 at btinternet.com <javascript:;>>
> > wrote:
> > >
> > > Culled from a Newsletter I received today
> > >
> > > MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TO THE CITIZENS OF THE USA
> > > To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> > Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
> > > In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
> > of the USA and thus to govern
> > > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> > independence, effective immediately.
> > >
> > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> > over all states, commonwealths, and
> > > territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
> > >
> > > Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
> America
> > without the need for further elections.
> > >
> > > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> > circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> > > noticed.
> > >
> > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> > >
> > > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> > 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> > 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
> be
> > replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
> > your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> > >
> > > 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> > such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> > communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted
> > to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> > '-ize.'
> > >
> > > 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> > >
> > > 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> > lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> > therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
> should
> > only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without
> > suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
> > grouse.
> > >
> > > 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
> required
> > if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > >
> > > 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> > start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
> you
> > will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion
> > tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> > British sense of humour.
> > >
> > > 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> > calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
> > >
> > > 8. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as
> > beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred
> > to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
> > pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
> > beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
> for
> > them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
> > that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> > >
> > > 9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> > good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> > English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in
> > Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> > removed with a cheese grater.
> > >
> > > 10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> > proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> > time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> > football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> or
> > wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> > >
> > > 11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> > outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> > beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> cricket,
> > and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
> of
> > their deliveries.
> > >
> > > 12. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> > >
> > > 13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies
> > due (backdated to 1776).
> > >
> > > 14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> > plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS:
> Only
> > share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
> > >
> > > Roger
> > >
> >
>