[Magdalen] For those with a sense of humour

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

I read that the bullying racist, sexist thug wants to eliminate the
department of education. Actually, that makes sense. See what i did there?

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy

On Sat, Nov 12, 2016 at 12:30 AM, Sally Davies <sally.davies at gmail.com>
wrote:

> I will gladly send you a map. As HM says beer is good here
>
> Sally D
>
> On Saturday, 12 November 2016, Jay Weigel <jay.weigel at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > Me too, Grace! In fact, I'm ready to move to a Commonwealth country that
> > will have me, providing it's a warm one.
> >
> > On Fri, Nov 11, 2016 at 6:42 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com
> > <javascript:;>>
> > wrote:
> >
> > > I've seen this a couple of times, and this time I'm ready to take her
> up
> > > on it!
> > >
> > > > On Nov 11, 2016, at 6:28 PM, Roger Stokes <
> > roger.stokes65 at btinternet.com <javascript:;>>
> > > wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Culled from a Newsletter I received today
> > > >
> > > > MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TO THE CITIZENS OF THE USA
> > > > To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> > > Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
> > > > In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
> President
> > > of the USA and thus to govern
> > > > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> > > independence, effective immediately.
> > > >
> > > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
> duties
> > > over all states, commonwealths, and
> > > > territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
> > > >
> > > > Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
> > America
> > > without the need for further elections.
> > > >
> > > > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> > > circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> > > > noticed.
> > > >
> > > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> > > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> > > >
> > > > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> > > 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> > > 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
> will
> > be
> > > replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
> > > your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> > > >
> > > > 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> > > such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of
> > > communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> > > Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> > adjusted
> > > to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> > > '-ize.'
> > > >
> > > > 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> > > >
> > > > 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> > > lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> > > therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
> > should
> > > only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without
> > > suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
> shoot
> > > grouse.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> > > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
> > required
> > > if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > > >
> > > > 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> > > start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
> > you
> > > will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> > conversion
> > > tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> > > British sense of humour.
> > > >
> > > > 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> > > calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
> > > >
> > > > 8. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually
> > > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> > as
> > > beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> > referred
> > > to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound
> for
> > > pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
> the
> > > beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did
> > for
> > > them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
> so
> > > that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> > > >
> > > > 9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> > > good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play
> > > English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in
> > > Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> > > removed with a cheese grater.
> > > >
> > > > 10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
> of
> > > proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> > > time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> > > football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
> > or
> > > wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> > > >
> > > > 11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> > > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> > > outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> > > beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
> > cricket,
> > > and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
> > of
> > > their deliveries.
> > > >
> > > > 12. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> > > >
> > > > 13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> > > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> > monies
> > > due (backdated to 1776).
> > > >
> > > > 14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> > > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
> cakes;
> > > plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS:
> > Only
> > > share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
> > > >
> > > > Roger
> > > >
> > >
> >
>