[Magdalen] A birthday musing

[Jay Weigel]

At least I had Adam for almost 40 years. Benjamin I barely knew.

On Tue, Nov 29, 2016 at 9:31 PM, Ann Markle <ann.markle at aya.yale.edu> wrote:

> Jay and Jim, I am so sorry. That's really all I can say, with great love,
> sadness, and empathy. Jay, I did not realize you lost two children. My
> heart breaks at the thought of it. Love you both, and hold you close in the
> light.
>
> On Tue, Nov 29, 2016 at 1:24 AM James Oppenheimer-Crawford <
> oppenheimerjw at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > Some of those old losses just never ever go away.  We were trying to get
> > pregnant for years, and tried many things. Finally we achieved success.
> We
> > came in for another ultrasound and the technician suddenly needed to talk
> > with another consultant. I was looking at the screen and could see the
> > little spot of black. I didn't want to think it, but I knew our child was
> > gone. In a short time, that's essentially what they told us.
> > It tore me up, but it took its real toll on my wife.  Lord knows, that is
> > no surprise.  She was carrying her (I always figured she would have been
> a
> > girl), and she was the one who stayed in the hospital while the
> miscarriage
> > happened.
> > As all things do, time went by, we got on with our lives and tried to
> > figure out a way to move forward without children (adoption turned out to
> > be impossible also).
> > Years later, we were approached by Planned Parenthood. They had been very
> > supportive when we were facing our lives as infertile, and helped set up
> a
> > local group for people with similar concerns.  They were having a meeting
> > of clergy to help address the issue of infertile couples and what they
> > might need from their spiritual leaders. Could we come and give a short
> > presentation on our own experiences?  We said yes, and were happy to
> help.
> > I prepared a small address, summarizing some things. Putting it together
> > brought back a lot of the memories, and I was able to put down some
> points
> > on how being infertile made me feel.
> > I remember saying that it is as if a part of me has been torn away. "I
> have
> > been maimed," I said, and I began to weep, had to stop for a moment. I
> had
> > not anticipated how hard recalling all of it would hit me. The feedback
> > afterward was positive. Several pastors came up to me to thank me for
> > dramatically letting them know just how devastating infertility can be
> for
> > some. One pastor came to me and said, with a look of some surprise, "I
> had
> > NO IDEA!!"  I felt I did some good. If it merely inspires some pastors to
> > think twice before they go wild celebrating Mothers' Day, it was worth
> it.
> >
> > I don't think of Cecelia every day, but she's always there even if I
> don't
> > seem to notice. If she were alive today, Cecilia would be about thirty
> one.
> > I wonder what kind of a woman she would be, if she would have babies of
> her
> > own, if she would be a musician of some note, if she would be ...
> >
> > That loss never really goes away.  Of course, for you, it is so much more
> > of a loss.
> >
> > We do, however, have the hope that one day, in a different place, we may
> > see them again, and that even though we don't see them, they are just as
> > real as we are -- just not on this earth. I'll hang on to that hope.
> >
> > James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
> > *“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
> > except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy
> >
> > On Mon, Nov 28, 2016 at 9:41 AM, Jay Weigel <jay.weigel at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > > This day is the anniversary of the birth of my first child, Benjamin
> > > Weigel. He would have been 46 today, which is a scary enough thought in
> > > itself. I often wonder what kind of man he would have turned out to be.
> > We
> > > only had him for 3 months, barely enough time to get to know him, when
> he
> > > died of SIDS. We weren't all *that* young when he was born (26 and 27),
> > but
> > > we weren't financially stable and were living paycheck to paycheck
> during
> > > my pregnancy. My late ex lost his job while I was in the hospital and
> it
> > > was several weeks before he found another, so it was an "interesting"
> > time
> > > to be with a young baby, but we survived. We were just getting back on
> > our
> > > feet again when we lost him. I sometimes wonder if I would have stayed
> > with
> > > his father had I not wanted another baby so badly. Sam was born 20
> months
> > > after Benjamin died.
> > >
> >
> --
> Ann
>
> The Rev. Ann Markle
> Buffalo, NY
>