[Magdalen] Marcy update

[Ginga Wilder]

Jim, my prayers continue for you and Marcy.

I wish with Susan that the people of Magdalen's could be more than cyber
neighbors for you.  We care deeply and we are not there for you in
person...keep the updates coming often so that we will know how to pray.

Georgia has given you loving advice, which you may do with as you need or
not.

I will share with you that both my parents had lingering illnesses.  Both
needed a lot of personal care, especially my mother.  Both wanted to die at
home.  Each had professional caregivers in the home - it broke the bank and
it broke each one of us in terrible ways. (When the money ran out, my
father was admitted to the VA.)

During my mother's decline, my sisters and I were in our late 30/early
40s.  We all worked and had families.  When the time came for my mother to
have around the clock care, my sisters and I borrowed big money from my
uncle for sitters from Monday morning until Friday night.  My sisters and I
took the weekend shifts.  Hurricane Hugo blew directly through Summerville
two days after Mother's doctor said she could go at any time.  Mother
stayed with my youngest sister during the storm and a week afterwards.  She
and the Wilders had major damage to our houses due to the storm.  Our
Greenville sister came from Greenville with a car full of after-storm needs
and her husband's company sent an industrial generator so that we could
prepare hot food for Mama and wash her clothes. The Mennonites who came to
town to assist where they could were sent by the fire chief to  my sister's
house to dry in the roof so that Mama would not be in a wet, unhealthy
environment.  My sisters and I took all three shifts while Mama was out of
her apartment.  Mama made it home for a few weeks and died peacefully one
early morning when a sitter was on duty.  (We pain Uncle Frank back from
Mama's small estate.)

My point, it took a village.  We could not do it on our own.  Even with
three of us, we could not take care of Mama without onsite help.  She
received excellent care, but our families suffered.  One divorce and one
psychiatric hospitalization happened as a result of Mama's daughter's not
being fully present with our families.  Of course, both of these issues
were pending before Mother's illness, but they certainly came to a head
when we were working so hard to keep Mama home.  We (sisters and our
families) were all years recovering from providing this loving care.  We
knew going in that what we were going to do would take sacrifices from each
of us.  It did, but was there another way that would allow us to take
better care of ourselves and our families?  in addition to granting Mama's
wish?  Perhaps.  There is no way to know if the marriage could have been
healed or the child's hospitalization could have been avoided with
conitnued out patient psychiatric care.  But, perhaps.  We have no real
regrets, and we were forever changed.  It was very hard work.  We could not
have done it without the village....

Enough said.  Sending love to you and Marcy, Jim.  What the two of you are
going through is so very hard.

Ginga

On Wed, Dec 2, 2015 at 1:13 AM, Georgia DuBose <gdubose at gmail.com> wrote:

> Dear Jim,
>
> As I think I may have mentioned to you before, my dear friend and
> colleague, Rick Rutledge, with whom I studied for the priesthood, died in
> 2014 of ALS. Everyone deals with this miserable disease differently, and
> Rick was heroic. However, when he and Kathy knew what they were dealing
> with, they agreed that he would go to an excellent extended care facility
> when his incapacity became severe. That's what happened.
>
> Perhaps you and Marcy never made such an agreement. It sounds to me, having
> had way more experience up close with ALS than anyone wants to have--my
> friend Clare Hawkins' husband Robert also died of ALS--that it is time for
> Marcy to be cared for professionally 24-7. You will be no good to her if
> you are so frayed that you fall apart.
>
> You can tell me to go to hell if you want to, and that it is none of my
> business. That may clarify for you what you want to do further--if you
> think Marcy should be at home, and you can manage that. However, if you
> want "permission" to have Marcy cared for in a facility, consider this your
> "slip." Clare also had Robert in an extended care facility, and that made
> it possible for her to carry on with being with him until the end. (She was
> very fragile during his illness, and finally recognized that she needed
> more than temporary respite.) Both Kathy and Clare found the nights the
> hardest, and knowing that their guys were being taken care of at night by
> people who had the necessary equipment to help them in every possible way
> was a great relief.
>
> You are in my prayers all the time. I am sorrier than I can possibly say at
> this wretched turn of events. Please, do whatever you need to do to take
> care of your needs as well as Marcy's, knowing that those who love both of
> you will support the course you take.
>
> With love and concern,
>
> Georgia+
>
> On Tue, Dec 1, 2015 at 8:30 PM, AT&T <jhandsfield at att.net> wrote:
>
> > Tonight, Marcy decided she would get up without assistance. I retrieved a
> > cane she wanted. After ten months she gave up (TBTG).  She seems to be in
> > denial that she can't do the things she wants to do. I'm near the end of
> my
> > rope.
> >
> > Jim Handsfield
> > Sent from my iPhone
>