[Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please

[H Angus]

No, Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics/ addicts, while ACOA is for adult children of alcoholics/addicts.

I came into the programs through ACOA, and liked it, but there are very few ACOA meetings left, so I attend Al-Anon. 

ACOA is much more open about allowing feelings to be aired. Nowadays, I think, most ACOAs just take anti-depressants. But I've always been glad I did it old-school.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Grace Cangialosi" <gracecan at gmail.com>
To: "Magdalen" <magdalen at herberthouse.org>
Sent: Friday, July 31, 2015 5:05:40 PM
Subject: Re: [Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please

Are ACA and ACoA the same?

On July 31, 2015, at 4:57 PM, Lynn Ronkainen <houstonklr at gmail.com> wrote:

I would not recommend online meetings for anyone who is not already very 
familiar with the FTF meetings of the identifier they have attended before, 
or even switching between  'qualifying' behaviors - for instance 
AA/Alanon/ACoA.  They are all different and nuanced. IMO.

Lynn
Alanon, ACoA

website: www.ichthysdesigns.com

When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I have not a 
single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything You gave me." 
attributed to Erma Bombeck
 "Either Freedom for all or stop talking about Freedom at all" from a talk 
by Richard Rohr

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Jay Weigel" <jay.weigel at gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, July 31, 2015 3:48 PM
To: <magdalen at herberthouse.org>
Subject: Re: [Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please

> There have been online AA and Al-Anon meetings for years, started mostly
> for members who are out there rdar from others. It's been a long time 
> since
> I've done one and I can't remember how to get there, but google is your
> friend.
>
> On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 4:39 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>> Online? That's something I wouldn't have thought of!! I do remember
>> finding Al-Anon's "One Day at a Time" reader helpful, but then I gave 
>> away
>> my last copy.
>>
>> On July 31, 2015, at 4:14 PM, Jay Weigel <jay.weigel at gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> I find that every once in awhile I need a refresher. Just a thought.
>> Sometimes I find an online meeting does it for me, sometimes I just go 
>> back
>> and do some reading.
>>
>> On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 2:57 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>> > I'm actually an Al-Anon alum, Heather, which is the only reason I'm 
>> > even
>> > halfway dealing with this and also sleeping at night!
>> >
>> > My daughter told me this morning that my son had called her, because he
>> > couldn't sleep.  She told me she thinks our relationship is irreparable
>> and
>> > that I should just move on. She also reminded me that I had cut myself
>> off
>> > from my parents.  The difference, as  I see it is that I was never
>> hateful
>> > to them, just had as little contact as possible once I realized how 
>> > toxic
>> > it was for me to be around them.  But we lived about ten hours away, so
>> > that was easy.
>> >
>> > My daughter also pointed out that, if it weren't for the children, my 
>> > son
>> > and I probably wouldn't see each other at all. He did tell me a year or
>> so
>> > ago that aside from the kids, we have nothing in common, and he wanted 
>> > me
>> > out of his life.  Then a few months later, they invited me for
>> > Thanksgiving...
>> >
>> > Ah well, enough...thanks for listening and praying, all of you!
>> >
>> > On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 2:37 PM, H Angus <hangus at ctcn.net> wrote:
>> >
>> > > Dear Grace,
>> > >
>> > > I agree with what everyone has said, and I would also suggest that 
>> > > you
>> > > consider attending Al-Anon meetings. That was where I learned how to
>> > refuse
>> > > to be abused by out-of-control people, definitely including 
>> > > relatives.
>> > >
>> > > Heather
>> > >
>> > > ----- Original Message -----
>> > > From: "Susan Hagen" <susanvhagen at gmail.com>
>> > > To: "magdalen" <magdalen at herberthouse.org>
>> > > Sent: Thursday, July 30, 2015 10:13:07 PM
>> > > Subject: Re: [Magdalen] Short-term prayers, please
>> > >
>> > > Dear Grace,
>> > > You have my prayers.  I know the pain of being in the blast radius of
>> > > someone else's rage.  I think you've done all you can for now.  I 
>> > > pray
>> > that
>> > > you will feel the love that all of us feel for you and always feel
>> God's
>> > > love.
>> > >
>> > > Susan
>> > >
>> > > On Wed, Jul 29, 2015 at 4:10 PM, Grace Cangialosi 
>> > > <gracecan at gmail.com>
>> > > wrote:
>> > >
>> > > > Well, that's an idea, Molly, and there are a couple of people.  I 
>> > > > had
>> > > > thought of sending the original letter to my daughter and one other
>> > > friend
>> > > > to read, but decided against it and just deleted it.
>> > > > This was what I just sent my son:
>> > > > <https://us-mg5.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=1amvfrlmd5t4b#>
>> > > > "Today at 3:51 PM
>> > > >  I see that I have another note from you.  I haven't deleted it, 
>> > > > but
>> > I'm
>> > > > not ready to read it yet, either.  I'll let you know if/when I do. 
>> > > > I
>> > > > sometimes wonder if you have any idea how hurtful you can be. And
>> then,
>> > > > after awhile, it's like you forget all about it, and things sort of
>> go
>> > > back
>> > > > to normal--until the next time."
>> > > >
>> > > > I think for now, not reading it is probably the best idea. And if
>> > you're
>> > > > thinking there may be mental issues involved, you're right. But
>> prayer
>> > > will
>> > > > take care of those; no need for medication! It's just sad all the 
>> > > > way
>> > > > around, and I do worry about the kids--six of their own and 
>> > > > currently
>> > two
>> > > > fosters.
>> > > >
>> > > > On Wed, Jul 29, 2015 at 3:55 PM, Molly Wolfmama <lupa at kos.net>
>> wrote:
>> > > >
>> > > > > You've got my prayers, in spades.  What a horrible situation for
>> you!
>> > > Is
>> > > > > there someone else who could read it in confidence and give you a
>> > > précis?
>> > > > >
>> > > > > Hugs,
>> > > > > Molly
>> > > > >
>> > > > > The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can 
>> > > > > learn
>> > in
>> > > no
>> > > > > other way. -- Mark Twain
>> > > > >
>> > > > > > On Jul 29, 2015, at 3:41 PM, Grace Cangialosi <
>> gracecan at gmail.com>
>> > > > > wrote:
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Without going into the very long, sad history, I'm asking your
>> > > prayers
>> > > > > for
>> > > > > > what will probably seem like something totally insignificant.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Periodically my son subjects me to verbal or written diatribes,
>> > > > sometimes
>> > > > > > cutting me off from seeing his children, sometimes not.  They
>> > always
>> > > > seem
>> > > > > > to come out of left field.  This time I had responded to an
>> article
>> > > he
>> > > > > > forwarded to me, agreeing with much of it, which I thought 
>> > > > > > would
>> > > > surprise
>> > > > > > him, and thinking it might be the opening for a real
>> conversation.
>> > > > > Instead,
>> > > > > > I got back a long, long attack, really hateful and verbally
>> > abusive.
>> > > I
>> > > > > read
>> > > > > > just enough to see what was there and then deleted it. Went 
>> > > > > > back
>> > > later
>> > > > > and
>> > > > > > emptied it from the trash, so I wouldn't be tempted to read the
>> > whole
>> > > > > thing
>> > > > > > and spend the next three days beating myself up and wondering
>> what
>> > > I've
>> > > > > > done wrong. (Which, of course, I've been doing anyway...)
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Anyway--sorry this is so long--I carefully wrote a response,
>> > saying I
>> > > > was
>> > > > > > sorry that he had felt the need to respond that way, that I had
>> > > deleted
>> > > > > his
>> > > > > > message without reading most of it, because I didn't need that
>> > verbal
>> > > > > > abuse. ( I had seen that he was heading into a place I've seen
>> > > > > > before...insisting that we are all depraved and evil at heart,
>> but
>> > my
>> > > > > pride
>> > > > > > won't let me see that, even though Scripture is clear on that.
>> > There
>> > > > was
>> > > > > > something to the effect that I put on this show so that people
>> will
>> > > > > > think I'm a good person, etc.) I stopped reading there.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > I told him it saddens me that that's so much of his theology,
>> that
>> > > Paul
>> > > > > > really needs to be read through the lens of the Gospels and
>> Jesus'
>> > > > > > reflection of God as a God of love. And also that God created 
>> > > > > > the
>> > > world
>> > > > > and
>> > > > > > saw that it was good. I ended by saying that I would continue 
>> > > > > > to
>> > pray
>> > > > > that
>> > > > > > he will find that God of love and know that he is loved by God.
>> > And
>> > > > > after
>> > > > > > much consideration, I went ahead and signed it Love, Mom.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Now I see that I have a reply from him that starts out "I hope
>> you
>> > > > won't
>> > > > > > delete this before reading it...,"  but I haven't opened it 
>> > > > > > yet.
>> > I'm
>> > > > > > tempted to just write back and say that I haven't read it yet
>> > because
>> > > > I'm
>> > > > > > not ready to read it, but that I  haven't deleted it yet, 
>> > > > > > either.
>> > > > Maybe
>> > > > > > that would be the way to go?
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > I also thought about forwarding it to my daughter without 
>> > > > > > reading
>> > it
>> > > > and
>> > > > > > asking her to tell me whether to read it or not, but that seems
>> the
>> > > > > > cowardly way to go.  She's aware of the situation, though I
>> didn't
>> > > > share
>> > > > > > the other email with her. She pretty much keeps her distance 
>> > > > > > from
>> > him
>> > > > > most
>> > > > > > of the time. Her take is that he finds it easier to take his
>> anger
>> > > out
>> > > > on
>> > > > > > me than to actually deal with the things he doesn't like about
>> > > himself
>> > > > > and
>> > > > > > the choices he's made.  In my head I know that's probably true,
>> and
>> > > > > that's
>> > > > > > what I would say to someone else in this situation, but it's 
>> > > > > > hard
>> > not
>> > > > to
>> > > > > > get hooked by this when it happens.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Anyway, what I need is some clarity about the "right" thing to 
>> > > > > > do
>> > > now.
>> > > > > > Delete without reading? Tell him I still have it, but am not
>> ready
>> > to
>> > > > > read
>> > > > > > it yet?  Just grit my teeth and read it? What I feel when I
>> > > contemplate
>> > > > > > that last alternative is fear about what I'll find...and that 
>> > > > > > is,
>> > on
>> > > > one
>> > > > > > level, totally ridiculous, I know. Whatever is there is already
>> > > there,
>> > > > > > whether I read it or not.  And it couldn't possibly be any 
>> > > > > > worse
>> > than
>> > > > > > things I've already had to take from him. It's not the 
>> > > > > > different
>> > > ideas
>> > > > I
>> > > > > > have a problem with, it's the personal attacks. And I've really
>> > > worked
>> > > > > hard
>> > > > > > over the years to keep the door open to relationships with the
>> > > > children.
>> > > > > > There have been two different times when he barred me from 
>> > > > > > seeing
>> > > them
>> > > > > for
>> > > > > > several months, but then it's like he kind of forgets, and
>> they'll
>> > > > invite
>> > > > > > me to do something.  I don't know if my daughter-in-law is 
>> > > > > > aware
>> of
>> > > all
>> > > > > of
>> > > > > > this, but I've never said anything to her. She has to do 
>> > > > > > exactly
>> > what
>> > > > he
>> > > > > > says, and I don't need to add to her worries.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Sorry...I really didn't mean to go on so long. But prayers for
>> > > clarity
>> > > > > > would be welcome.
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Grace
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > --
>> > > > > > Grace Cangialosi
>> > > > > > Ruckersville, VA
>> > > > > >
>> > > > > > Keep Calm and Carry OM.
>> > > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > --
>> > > > Grace Cangialosi
>> > > > Ruckersville, VA
>> > > >
>> > > > Keep Calm and Carry OM.
>> > > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > --
>> > > Before enlightenment pay bills, do laundry.  After enlightenment pay
>> > bills,
>> > > do laundry.
>> > >
>> > >
>> >
>> >
>> > --
>> > Grace Cangialosi
>> > Ruckersville, VA
>> >
>> > Keep Calm and Carry OM.
>> >
>>