[Magdalen] For those with a sense of humour

[James Oppenheimer-Crawford]

This certainly sounds more and more attractive by the day...

James W. Oppenheimer-Crawford
*“A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved,
except in memory. LLAP**”  -- *Leonard Nimoy

On Fri, Nov 11, 2016 at 6:42 PM, Grace Cangialosi <gracecan at gmail.com>
wrote:

> I've seen this a couple of times, and this time I'm ready to take her up
> on it!
>
> > On Nov 11, 2016, at 6:28 PM, Roger Stokes <roger.stokes65 at btinternet.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > Culled from a Newsletter I received today
> >
> > MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN TO THE CITIZENS OF THE USA
> > To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
> > In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
> of the USA and thus to govern
> > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective immediately.
> >
> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and
> > territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
> >
> > Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America
> without the need for further elections.
> >
> > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> > noticed.
> >
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> >
> > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
> replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> >
> > 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
> such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
> Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
> to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> '-ize.'
> >
> > 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> >
> > 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should
> only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without
> suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
> grouse.
> >
> > 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required
> if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
> start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
> >
> > 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
> >
> > 8. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
> beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
> to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
> pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
> beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
> them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
> that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> >
> > 9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in
> Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
> >
> > 10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> >
> > 11. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket,
> and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
> their deliveries.
> >
> > 12. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> >
> > 13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
> >
> > 14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only
> share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
> >
> > Roger
> >
>